[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
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One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
you will never know the true number of layers
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?