Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

*planning the destruction of the human race

Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices

Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters

Toasters: You guys are amateurs…

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

A ghost story

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.