Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
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I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
ibopfufen
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]