Don’t let your suspicions sneak.
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[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
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I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”