don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
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Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*