Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
You Might Also Like
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.