Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
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That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family