Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
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sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.