Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
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when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh