[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
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[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”