@TheMichaelMoran

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

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@whatsJo

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

@AndyAsAdjective

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

@GoldenSpirals

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

@bingowings14

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

@scot7a

ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”

BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…

@elle91

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

@TheHyyyype

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

@Marlebean

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

@PinkLipschitz

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

@Kris_Florio

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”