you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens
… I think my cough medicine expired
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I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.