@Marlebean

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

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@prettysadmostly

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

@Jake_Vig

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

@BigHeb7

My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.

@errdayhustlah

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

@Quartzjixler

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

@ch000ch

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

@markhoppus

Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.

@1followernodad

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

@Marlebean

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

@UncleDuke1969

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.