Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
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There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Not today.. 😂
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP