Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
You Might Also Like
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me