Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
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My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
eggs benadryl
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.