Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
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every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.