Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
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her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*