Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
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rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years