Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
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People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
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I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.