Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
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Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Monday Lisa
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Writing, She Murdered.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir