Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
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If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.