don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
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Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy