Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
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One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!