Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
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Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
bury ourselves
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Try and stop me.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.