Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
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“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
congratulations to them
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us