Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
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Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
live long and prosper!
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”