Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
You Might Also Like
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.