Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
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The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
M: And olive oil?
M: And baby oil?
*I turn out the lights and leave
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus