Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.

Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

just witnessed a drug deal

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.