Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

[watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”

-psychopaths

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”