Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
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It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time