Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

Basically.