Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
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Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.