“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
You Might Also Like
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.