Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
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*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Perfection.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.