Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
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I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
tinder is all about the long game
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place