Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
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Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
i wish i could marry a nap
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.