Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
You Might Also Like
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.