Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
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Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over