Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
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Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Me too 😆
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
They’re called werewolves.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.