Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
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INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.