Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
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If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
the #horror is real!
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Sell your car
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.