“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
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Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I love the honesty
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
