don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
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TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail