don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

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If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away


I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.


Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie


Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.


I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.


My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.


Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.