@broccobamali

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

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@BDGarp

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

@FSUSteve

I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.

@FussySaffa

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

@Reverend_Scott

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.

@jferg1616

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

@AllanForsyth

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.