Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
You Might Also Like
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
This meal prepping shit is easy