Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
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we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.