Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
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[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips