Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
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e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal