Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
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Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
This made me chuckle.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
A great tip. #CakeRex
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Breaking news:
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.