Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
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Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
mechanics be like
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives