Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
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me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
best first i’ve ever seen
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.