“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
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Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*