Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
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The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…