@JimmerThatisAll

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

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@botandy

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

@WilliamAder

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

@donniepeeler

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

@mommajessiec

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

@Stap_Jr

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

@AndyKindler

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

@palokin

Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.

@robfee

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof