Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
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Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
they split up moments later
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.