Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
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*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
WTF IS THAT!
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?