don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
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“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea