Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes